“Khali haath shaam aaye hai, khaali haath jaeygi.” – Chitra Singh gazal
Empty-handed the evening came and now it shall leave once again, empty-handed.
Where have we come in the past week? I feel like I’ve gone on a very long journey with my brother and his wife and it’s hard to figure whether we got anywhere or if it just brought us back to the same initial point – that there is no cure and that she should go back to her family in India once she’s strong enough to withstand the journey, which will hopefully be soon.
I wish I could have been there for my brother as he lives through something that’s worse than his worst nightmare. I wish I had never lost touch with him. I wish I had been there for him emotionally the whole while. I wish I wish I wish… my heart is full of regrets and I guess they’ll just sit there forever. I do feel guilty – not the cliche way when people say it’s all their fault, but honestly and truly, I have to accept that I have played a part in this woman’s cancer reaching a point where there’s no options left.
I went out for the first time yesterday in a whole week. It doesn’t feel good at all. I just can’t have a good time while my brother’s world is ripping to pieces. But one of my friend’s turned 30 and I knew that hardly anyone was going to show up for the surprise evening that her husband had planned for her, she’s not part of the mainstream ‘in-group’ in the research program that we’re in, so that’s just how it goes. So I went and so did one other guy from the program. I made her cupcakes and put candles in them, bought her a group card, brought along my friends from outside the research program, and hung out with her for as long as she wanted. Because not everyone gets to turn 30 one day. Not everyone gets to be happily married, it’s rare and special. And because I feel like the more good I do for others, the more good karma I’ll accumulate and then I can transfer it to my brother’s wife.
I’ve barely been productive at work for the past week and perhaps now I’ve finally reached a point were I might actually be more productive, so weekend or not, I’m just going to work everyday now till I go back home on Christmas eve. That’s the only thing that has the potential to do anyone any good at this point in my life.
