I watch my life slip away from my hands as my parents take over the task of finding someone for me to get married to. Of course it was with my permission, but on the other hand, there wasn’t much of a choice because life wasn’t getting anywhere anyway because there was no one in the picture that they liked. And so now…. Me. Age 27. Being advertised to total strangers, who are asking for photos and time/location of birth, and all the other crap it takes for them to figure whether I’m worth contacting or not.
I guess it wouldn’t seem as bad (or maybe it already does?) if it weren’t for the fact that I’m tearing someone away from my heart at the same time. Someone that I care about and love being with more than I can explain, someone that I can imagine spending the rest of my life with and actually having a great time with at the same time.
But if I felt so strongly about someone, then you might ask why I can’t just put my foot down and force the parents to accept him. That’s a tough one to answer though. Because I never tried doing something so against their wishes? Because I tried changing their opinions and expectations for more than a year, and I just couldn’t change them enough? Because I couldn’t keep putting him through a deal where he was made to feel like he wasn’t good enough? Because I couldn’t bear the idea of them (and likely others in the family too) not genuinely smiling as I get married to someone that I’m in love with.
Yes, call it the nonsense you overload your head with when you’re an obedient Indian daughter, or call it a collection of feeble excuses for not defending what I think I truly want, regardless… here I am. Age 27. Being advertised to total strangers, who are asking for photos and time/location of birth, and all the other crap it takes for them to figure whether I’m worth contacting or not.
I just don’t know how to let go of someone who has meant so much to me… and who continues to mean so much to me. I sit here, all alone, shedding tears that slowly dry away, tears that no one else will ever have to see. Tears that will hopefully run out sometime soon.
