Sunday, August 30, 2009 at 5:14 pm (Just An Update, The Blues?, Two Roads Diverged)
I watch my life slip away from my hands as my parents take over the task of finding someone for me to get married to. Of course it was with my permission, but on the other hand, there wasn’t much of a choice because life wasn’t getting anywhere anyway because there was no one in the picture that they liked. And so now…. Me. Age 27. Being advertised to total strangers, who are asking for photos and time/location of birth, and all the other crap it takes for them to figure whether I’m worth contacting or not.
I guess it wouldn’t seem as bad (or maybe it already does?) if it weren’t for the fact that I’m tearing someone away from my heart at the same time. Someone that I care about and love being with more than I can explain, someone that I can imagine spending the rest of my life with and actually having a great time with at the same time.
But if I felt so strongly about someone, then you might ask why I can’t just put my foot down and force the parents to accept him. That’s a tough one to answer though. Because I never tried doing something so against their wishes? Because I tried changing their opinions and expectations for more than a year, and I just couldn’t change them enough? Because I couldn’t keep putting him through a deal where he was made to feel like he wasn’t good enough? Because I couldn’t bear the idea of them (and likely others in the family too) not genuinely smiling as I get married to someone that I’m in love with.
Yes, call it the nonsense you overload your head with when you’re an obedient Indian daughter, or call it a collection of feeble excuses for not defending what I think I truly want, regardless… here I am. Age 27. Being advertised to total strangers, who are asking for photos and time/location of birth, and all the other crap it takes for them to figure whether I’m worth contacting or not.
I just don’t know how to let go of someone who has meant so much to me… and who continues to mean so much to me. I sit here, all alone, shedding tears that slowly dry away, tears that no one else will ever have to see. Tears that will hopefully run out sometime soon.
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Friday, December 15, 2006 at 1:18 pm (Sniff sniff, The Blues?)
Someone please stop my brother’s world from ripping up beneath him, please please please help, please don’t let this happen to someone who means the world to him because it’s just not fair. You don’t just marry someone and then find out a year later that you’ve only got a few months to go with her.
I desperately want to stand on top of a tall building and scream and scream till there’s no voice left to scream with anymore. I don’t want to accept this, I hate it every bit of it and I don’t want to hear him sounding so sad and hopeless. She’s getting sicker and sicker by the day and it’s not fair. IT’S NOT FAIR.
There are so many people here and around the world working at the cures for all these venomous cancers, but even then, if even one person dies of cancer it means that we haven’t worked hard enough. But it’s not just one – so many people are dying of cancer everyday, so many people are withering away day by day through this slow and painful death – who even knows how many. It’s just not fair and I just won’t understand why it has to be this way.
I don’t want to be a doctor anymore, I’ve had it. People get sick and they die and I don’t want to have to deal with that. I don’t want to watch them suffer. I don’t want to watch their families cry. What the heck was I thinking, I just want to be a math teacher or something. Maybe I still have a chance at being an engineer or a software programmer – I know I could be good at that. Please let me just run away from all this – it hurts too much.
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Thursday, August 17, 2006 at 8:46 pm (The Blues?)
Blegh. I’m getting so homesick. I think it might be the lack of interaction with people. Two weeks and it just feels sad not to know anyone too well here and to be trying to study instead of getting to know anyone. Two weeks of living alone in a two-bedroom apartment. Two weeks of watching the sky go from blue to black and still sit alone in my apartment and try to focus. Two weeks can make you very hug-deprived…. I’m sitting here with my huge teddy bear in my lap, holding him as I read answers on my question bank. The only other person I’ve spent much time with is the only other person who’s studying for this exam (ie my next door neighbour) but I’m trying to limit that coz we’re just getting to know each other and that means that once we start a conversation about anything, we end up talking too much…. and nice as it may be, I don’t have time for that I guess. So here I am, evening numero twelve, with my teddy bear and pet fish to keep me company.
The teddy bear is more hugable than the fish, I’ve come to realize. The fish, on the other hand, keeps nodding at me with full understanding of how I feel, after all, it must get pretty lonely to live in a huge fish bowl on your own. 
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